Some of George's Best

George Carlin

1. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
2. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
3. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
4. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
5. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
6. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
7. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
8. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
9. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
10. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
11. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
12. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
13. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
14. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
15. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
16. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
17. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
18. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
19. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.